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Basically my bf has given me ample opportunities to tell him the truth about my past with my previous bf. All he wants is the complete truth about everything down the the very last detail. Every single detail must be mentioned or it’s considered an omission or lie. First of all before we were together he was a virgin. He asked about my past but since it was my past I didn’t want to go into details I felt like it was ok to hide it from him. My ex and I had a very sexual relationship and i lied off the bat saying that we had only had sex once. I never changed any of that and later he finds out it was much more than once and is crushed by it because he feels that I used him. Did I use him? I don’t feel that I did I feel like these things happened and were part of a 3 year relationship. But I feel horrible about this. First off I started dating him the day after I broke up with my ex. He was pretty much the push of my breaking up with my ex. Even though I intended to do so I sorta rushed it and broke up with my ex and got with him the next day. I cheated on my bf [no sex] by going to my ex bf’s apartment and made out with him and slept on his bed next to him. There was no sex but nonetheless I was still able to keep that secret from him until now 9 months into the relationship. I’ve changed the story about what happened several times. First I said that it was a light kiss and a slap. Then I said ok no slap but a kiss, then i said ok it was a make out, then later I went on to say ok it was a makeout and i slept next to him.That’s the truth. He wants ALL the details and I understand but it’s shameful to confess and hurtful to continue to slowly pour out these truths. I went to my ex’s apartment 4 times total in our relationship, two with his permission and two without. We talked on the phone behind his back and eventually it ended. We closed it off and agreed to both just drop it. My bf knows this and he forgave me for it pretty much but he’s all emotionally wrecked because of my lies.
Also my sexual past with my ex bf is a huge factor in his thoughts. I lied about being in an abusive relationship, about making love, and about certain sexual things we did. He asked if we did in unprotected which we did but it wasn’t completely sex it was in and out and that was it. I try to explain to him that love making with HIM is what I believe to be true love making but he insists that no matter how I paint it I did indeed make love to my ex. I told him that after we would be done it’d feel void, wrong, used, unhappy and that even though there were times when my intention was to make love it usually left me unhappy in the end. He wants every detail like I said. To me they are shameful to tell and even when he’s caught me in a lie I’ve only given him partial truths or I add more lies to make it seem like it makes sense. I’ve had to withdraw lies I’ve made which at this point I’m not even sure which is worse, the hidden lies or the lies on top of lies or the truth about my sexual past with my ex.
I am willing to get treatment for my compulsive lying disorder…this I know is true because even to my parents I lie, it’s not just to him.
We are also considering doing couples counseling. Am I completely wrong about everything? I know the lies are bad but looking at the whole situation where do we go from here? Is our relationship salvageable?
I love him incredibly and even though I’ve lied to him repeatedly and hid things from him I STILL love him no matter what it looks like and I don’t want to lose him.
5 Responses for "I am a compulsive liar and it’s hurt my boyfriend incredibly. With treatment-can we save our relationship?"
Why he wants to know EVERY detail is beyond me. But, if that’s what he wants, give it to him. Maybe he’ll figure out that he didn’t need to know everything after all.
Are you REALLY a compulsive liar? Do you lie about what you ate for breakfast? Do you lie about how much you spent on an outfit? Do you lie about things that have nothing to do with his feelings? If you do, then, yes, you are a compulsive liar and need help.
Seems like your current BF has trust issues (albeit you may have helped instill them by making up so many stories). Everyone tells lies at some points in their life in order to spare our loved ones the pain of telling the truth. If you put it to him like that he should understand. Just say that what you did with your last BF is in the past and you lied to save your new BF’s feelings. Explain that you don’t want to rehash an old and dead relationship and that you only ant to look forward with him. Then promise you will be truthful with him from now on and follow through.
Based on what you said - I don’t think counseling is necessary because you didn’t lie to be malicious but just to not hurt him.
Good luck to you and him.
you are not obligated to anyone to share every single detail of your past relationship with anybody, not even your current boyfriend. the fact that your boyfriend is demanding that you tell him everything and if you leave anything out, it’s a lie of omission, is a huge red flag that this guy is very controlling.
couples counseling is a good idea if you absolutely want to stay with him. but i also think you both should see somebody, a counselor or pyschiatrist, on your own. he has huge control issues. you may or may not lie as much as you think, i think some of the truth is distorted by your boyfriends convincing you that you are a terrible, lying person. at least that’s what i get out of your situation. cheating on your bf was obviously a horrible thing to do and you made the situation worse by changing the story but i understand why you didn’t want to tell him.
good luck. if things don’t work out, consider giving yourself plenty of time to be single again before finding someone who will like you for exactly who you are and who doesn’t find a way to control you.
girl, it depends if you’re really willing to change.
will your love for him be enough motivation for you to stop lying? before you say another fib, think of how much you want to save your relationship with him.
i think with enough willingness, you’ll be able to stop lying without treatment. well, that’s just my opinion.
I’m not going to read all that, but from a former compulsive liar who actually was so good that I passed a lie detector test, let me give you this advise.
You won’t stop until you get caught in the stupidest innocent white lie and your husband finally snaps and divorces you.
Then you will do a complete 180 reversal and not be able to lie to anyone and realize the absolute freedom in it. If someone pressures you, tell them you would rather not answer the question.
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